Not everyone defines who they consider family purely by those with whom they share a blood relation.
Many consider their closest friends to be family and might even have healthier relationships with them than with those who share their DNA.
Of course, lines need to be drawn when it comes to family.
As sometimes you simply can’t have the same expectations of nor be relied upon by your friends in ways that you would your immediate family.
With time, Redditor Plus-Front-2690 eventually developed a healthy relationship with her ex-husband. Allowing both of them to co-parent their two children successfully.
However, this relationship found itself on rocky ground again when the original poster (OP)’s ex-husband suddenly expected her to come to the aid of more of her ex-husband’s family members.
A responsibility the OP was flatly unwilling to undertake, as this was her ex-husband’s family, and not her own.
Wondering if she was being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for reminding my ex I’m only responsible for our children and not all of his kids?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to draw the line when it came to helping her ex-husband:
“My ex-husband (40 M[ale]) and I (35 F[emale]) have two children together (12,11 M).”
“We divorced about ten years ago now because I feel like he regressed as a husband and a father during my second pregnancy, and he was even worse when our younger son was born.”
“He was acting like a high school or college kid or a single 20-something with no kids.”
“He spent more time with friends than with us.”
“His friends were also treating me more like his mom and expecting me to pick him up from their houses when they needed to get on with stuff.”
“He fought for 50% custody of our kids, which he wasn’t given, and for the first two or three years, he had every other weekend and a two-week period during the summer with them as well as alternating holidays.”
“He started being more involved, and eventually, he did get 50% custody.”
“It was at that time I found out he got some woman pregnant, and he realized with three kids, he needed to get his act together.”
“He ended up with full custody of his third child.”
“Then he met his wife.”
“They have two more children together now.”
“There are two kids in her life, but I don’t believe they’re her biological children anyway, who she is also partially supporting.”
“Those two kids don’t live with them, but apparently she/they pay for stuff for this child.”
“Ex and I started getting along better, but his marriage was rocky.”
“As his marriage worsened, he started treating me like a co-parent to all his kids.”
“He’d bring his other children to custody exchanges and expect interactions between me and his other children.”
“Then it was requested to babysit for him and his wife, which I never did.”
“Then it was comments about our boys old clothes at my house being sent to his house for his other kids and how we needed to make sure they had adequate clothing.”
“I told him there was no we in that and he said of course there is, we’re co-parents.”
“I said of our two sure, but not his other kids.”
“It was requested that I have his children in my home or take them out to eat with me and our kids.”
“And finally, it has turned into back-to-school craziness.”
“I bought supplies for the boys, but he told me I hadn’t bought nearly enough for everyone.”
“I was like, hold up, what’s that supposed to mean? And he pointed out that what I bought wouldn’t be possible to share evenly between all five children.”
“I told him we don’t have five children. We have two, the two I bought those for.”
“I told him I am responsible for our children, not his three others.”
“I told him he has a wife; they share two of those children; the other is in their home, so it’s up to them.”
“He told me that I know they don’t have a lot of money, and I cut him off and told him that it still didn’t make his children my problem.”
“He said I can’t possibly take care of just two of them, not when we’re co-parenting, and all five kids live together 50% of the time.”
“He said I should be a part of the community to help raise these kids and keeping my distance like I do is so dang cold.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for refusing to buy back-to-school supplies for her ex-husband’s other children.
After reading her story, almost no one could believe the OP’s claim that her ex-husband had matured, agreeing that his expecting her to buy supplies for children he had with other women was out-of-line to the point of ludicrous:
“NTA.”
“Obviously.”
“Curious to how your boys find it at his house.”
“With his entitled attitude, he is clearly a sh*tty role model.”
“I’m sure it won’t be long until the kids wise up and want to stay with you full time.”
“They’re nearly at the age where most places will take their choice as a major deciding factor.”-AJSCRPT
“NTA.”
“How could you ever think you might be?”
“Good thing you dumped that freeloader a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry you still have to deal with him!”
“Maybe you can try and revert the decision about the 50% custody, if he clearly admits he doesn’t have the finances to take care of all 5 of his kids?”- Adventurous_Byte
“I would tell him ‘if you expect me to provide financially for your other children, you will need to get a court order directing me to do so’.”
“Until then I will provide for MY children only’.”
“You made the choice to have more children with a different mother’.”
“‘I did not’.”
“NTA.”- mdthomas
“NTA.”
“Keep a record of the conversation and regain full custody of the kids if he can’t take care of them.”
“Not your kids, not your problem.”- Shichimi88
“NTA.”
“Wowsers, he has some cheek!”
“Might be time to look for legal advice about this.”- International-Fee255
“NTA.”
“Keep saying this until he understands it.”
“You are not responsible for his choices.”
“Does he expect the other parents of his children to pay for yours?”
“He’s being absurd.”- diminishingpatience
“NTA.”
“This man is still expecting the women in his life to manage his poor choices.”- FairyCompetent
“Maybe you should be taking primary custody of your two children because it sounds like they aren’t being adequately cared for by the struggling father.”
“NTA, and you need to advocate for your kids.”
“He fathered a bunch, and that is on him.”- Chilling_Storm
“NTA.”
“You already know this, but you’re not the parent of his three other kids.”
“He’s trying to guilt trip you when he talks about money.”
“Don’t fall for it.”
“They’re not your responsibility.”
“Your kids are your responsibility.”
“No one else.”- DogsReadingBooks
“Ask him if he had that vasectomy yet or if he plans to expand his village so he can be the village idiot of a small town.’
“NTA.”- DubiousPeoplePleaser
“So obviously, NTA.”
“I don’t know why you need to even ask.”
“His lack of contraception, his three other kids, his problem.”
“You’re the co-parent of 2 kids, not 5.”
“And he is just gaslighting you.”- Squiggles567
“NTA.”
“Make Sure He Doesn’t Take Your Kids Stuff To Give To The Other Kids.”
“Especially When They’re Not Around You.”- ExternalHumor7054
“NTA.”
“Tell him no problem.”
“You are more than willing to take full custody of your sons, and he can just pay you child support.”
“Then he and his wife will only have to provide for their three kids.”- PassComprehensive425
“NTA.”
“He needs to pursue custody arrangements for all his children and you are NOT responsible for the additional children he has fathered.”
“Hold firm.”- owls_and_cardinals
“NTA.”
“Why did he want 50% custody so bad when he has three other kids he can’t properly support?”-Seigmoraig
“Nope Nope Nope!”
“NTA.”
“How dare he go and make three more babies after your divorce and expect you to support them.”
“No way!”
“This also applies to ALL parents.”
“I don’t think men should support the new children from another relationship either.”-No_Mathematician2482
As many have said in their responses, it’s a little hard to see how the OP could possibly think her husband has shown any sign of growth or maturity after having more children.
As his solution to everything seems to be asking the OP to help him out.
One can only hope the OP’s ex-husband gets his act together, as it seems quite possible that this custody arrangement will change.
And not in a way that benefits him.
